Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge (film): Could have been good, but isn't

We are having a little trend in my group of movie addicts here locally where people are adding bizarre films to our Plex server now that a lot of IP's have been released from their copyright or whatever it is called. Goldilocks was never something that was off limits entirely as far as I am aware because nobody really bothered having the rights to a 19th century English fairy tale.

How does one turn Goldilocks into a horror story? Well, that's the tricky part and one that this film attempted to take on but just does it very poorly.

src

The story here is just so typical of horror films and two of the last 3 low-budget films I have watched had the same setup for the people involved. A group of friends is out in the remote countryside because it is someone's birthday and this is what friends do on their birthdays I guess. They go to some AirBnB that is located near absolutely nothing because that is really fun, right?

src

They managed to chuck their diversity quota in the mix as far as the friends are concerned and when they arrive at their rental they realize the key is not under the mat because once again, this is totally how AirBnB's work. They call the guy who owns the rental only to discover that the owner accidentally gave them the wrong address because yet again, this is totally how AirBnB's work. I was happy that the phones worked and there wasn't the usual "no signal" bullshit going on with mobile phones.

When they find out they are at the wrong place this is where things get really stupid. Instead of getting back into their car and going to the correct address, the leader of the group says "it's getting dark, we'll just stay here for the night" because again, this is totally what people do when they are at the wrong address.

Nobody is in the house so the search for a way to break into the house and a door around back is conveniently unlocked and they go inside and find that there is no food other than porridge in the house. Which they eat and then get kind of sleepy. It was mildly amusing how the were talking about how the beds were too hard or too soft and one of them was "just right." Ok, i'll give credit where credit is due and found that funny.

So not much later our villains turn up and it is Goldilocks and her 3 bear-costume donning friends.

src

These are not friendly people, they are sadists that enjoy picking the unwelcome visitors off one by one and torturing them. If they had the budget or the wherewithall to turn this into some sort of "Saw-like" gorefest it could have been interesting, but instead we get horrible acting and even worse effects. At one point an explosion goes off that is unexplained and it is also clear that on the set, there was no explosion and it was just extremely cheap and fake CGI.

src

An adventure like this wouldn't be complete without people often wandering outside of the house alone in a search for some screaming they recently heard. Goldilocks and her pals easily pick them off one by one and there are instances where you the viewer are thinking "why is he just sitting there? he isn't tied to the chair nor is he injured.. he could totally outrun a girl and 3 dudes with huge masks on their heads!" But they don't, they never do. They cower against a tree begging for their lives because killers always listen to your pleas of mercy.

src

Then we have the instance of the visiting birthday friends being safe inside the house because apparently Goldilocks and her bear friends are incapable of opening doors or windows. Methinks that the crew were not allowed to damage the house at all because it probably belonged to one of their parents.

The worst thing about this film is that it isn't trying to be campy and silly, the whole thing is meant to be taken seriously and we, the audience, are meant to find this terrifying. That doesn't happen though because the entire thing is just so dumb. Other elements that are introduced also irritated me such as the car not starting despite it being a newish looking car that nobody has tampered with and of course nobody tries to call the police and at one point they just keep complaining that there is no WiFi even though it was clearly exhibited very early on that they do, in fact, have mobile phone coverage where they are. Oh and Goldilocks has a handgun with an unlimited magazine in it. Sheesh

Should I watch it?

I had high hopes for this one because I like inventive stuff using old material but unfortunately this film has zero redeeming qualities. The actors can't act, the direction is terrible, and the special effects should have just been left alone since their inclusion is some of the worst CGI I have ever seen in anything. The dialogue is stupid and Goldilocks isn't scary, she is annoying.

Watch paint dry, play Sudoku, click like on things you do NOT like on social media for 90 minutes. Do anything that you can other than watch this disaster of a film.

_{It seems very strange to me, but this film is available for streaming on almost every streaming platform although you have to pay a few dollars for the pleasure. For the love of everything in existence, do NOT do so}