Seat at the Table

Tonight after work, I went and had dinner with some friends whom I haven't spent much time with for a couple years, as our lives have separated a little, as the excuse goes. It was great that someone organized it and while it was nothing fancy, one of my oldest friends booked a table and we met at six in the evening. However, one friend got there a bit earlier than the rest of us, and well, suffice to say, she didn't set us up for success.

You know how some people are loud, some people are entitled, and some are obnoxious? Well, she is a bit of all three, and a few other spices rolled in for good measure. I have known her a long time and we have had many, many, many arguments over the years about all kinds of things, but she is still a friend. A lot of her annoying traits are perhaps cultural, but her ways really stand out in a place like Finland where people are generally a bit more reserved.

So, when I arrived, I walked in, just as another friend was coming in and the one who arrived early was waiting at the door. She pointed to the table which was close to us, and said that it was ours and she had already spent a few minutes arguing with the staff for another table.

The place was full.
And I know how she argues.

This was a very relaxed place, but when the waiter came over to ask for our drink orders, you could already see that he was annoyed. And that was pretty much the tone from the staff the whole evening, even though the other three of us, had played no part in whatever had transpired before we had even arrived.

The night was fine otherwise and we had a lot of laughs along the way, but the person who had caused the drama with the staff, mentioned how she had never been to a crayfish party, even though she had been trying to get into one for over twenty years. A crayfish party is an Autumn tradition in Finland (probably stolen from Sweden) that some people have, where friends gather to eat some crayfish, but mostly drink.

They are a lot of fun.

Perhaps I should say "were" a lot of fun, because I don't think my internal organs could handle the abuse these days. However, I have been to many of them in the past, often multiple times a season, and even in recent years, though there was less drinking.

But it makes me wonder whether the reason that the friend has never been invited to one herself, is because of her general behavior. It is not that she is a terrible person or anything like that, but perhaps her vibe just doesn't gel with the atmosphere or something, as she is domineering in conversations, speaks very loudly, and is only really interested in her own perspectives, even when she is incredibly wrong. There is a different way about her, especially when in the company of a group of people.

I know that I myself can be pretty stubborn in an argument, and I know that there is a cost to my behavior, but for the most part, I am okay with it, as far as I know. Because I can never really be sure what my behavior has cost me, as I don't know about the invites I didn't receive, or the times I was excluded from something because of the way people perceive me to be.

I know there are plenty of times for sure, as afterwards in life I have found out from the people who actually excluded me, because of one reason or another, even though they might not have known me that well at the time. Often the reason was that they assumed me to be too serious - only to find out later, that I am not that serious about anything, and am quite happy to laugh at and make a joke on pretty much any topic at all.

While I think people should "be themselves" I also believe that people should spend some time reflecting on the way they behave and whether it is conducive to them gaining access to the experiences they are after. And, I also think that it is worth considering whether our behavior is really "ourselves" at all, or if we are just working as an automaton, following the code of our upbringing, culture, or the way that offers the path of least resistance. Often, I think the "this is the way I am" argument is more a position of laziness, or lack of self-awareness, because it is easier to stay the same, than change.

The night was fun, even with the loud and often obnoxious friend, but I know I can only take her in small doses. What was apparent, is how much I is hanging out with the other two, who are both awesome people who I used to know so well, and spend pretty much every weekend with for years on end. It is strange how we can just pick up after so long again, but the most strange thing is that we have spent so long apart. No matter how long passes though, they will always have a seat at my table.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]